Christmas is well and truly on it’s way, but this year it just does not feel the same. I usually throw myself full steam ahead into all the festivities, and even though I am trying, the joy just is not flowing freely….
After 23 years of marriage, I now find myself as a single mother of two fabulous girls, with soooooo many decisions to make, emotions to deal with and fears to face and at the same time NOT spending the festive season in a sad and sorry state!
I am very proud of myself for not completely losing it (I think I have come very close), for not resorting to medication or alcohol (was very tempted) and for learning to mow the lawn (yes in our house we had a “I clean the toilets – You mow the lawn” rule) but now I do both! The Christmas tree is up and I even put up some Christmas lights up myself (yes I did scream, shout, break a set or two, but never the less some are twinkling merrily at nightfall!
I am eternally greatful for:-
- The support I have received from family, friends and the federal goverment!
- We don’t have any custody issues – got that sorted!
- Most of the time we can now talk on the phone without arguing!
- The anger has passed and am working though sad mode now (not so painful)!
- Realising I can survive and eventually thrive!
- Can sleep in the middle of the bed, eat chocolate in bed and read till all hours of the night in bed!
Some of things that still need sorting:-
- Who is buying pressies for who?
- Are Christmas cards being sent, or is it easier not to go there this year?
- How can dad spend some time with his girls without it being a sad occasion?
- How do I sit at the Christmas table and not ruin everyone else’s day being sad and feeling a little lost?
- How do I take down the Christmas lights without breaking them all????????
Even though I still love my husband, I know that we could never be happy together as a couple again. Too much damage has been done, too much pain and anger, too much not dealing with things at the time and allowing the volcano to build and then erupt, but I live in hope that this year, even though Christmas will be tough, each one after this should get easier………..