Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day – For The Three Angels I Never Met

15 Oct 2012 3 Comments

by Nikki in Caring Compassion, Healthy Habits, JoyFULL Tags: , ,

Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day will stir a lot of emotions, even if you have never experienced the pain and saddness, no doubt you probably know someone who has!

…..Remembering The Three Angels I Never Met!

Life as an overworked, but very well travelled Corporate Travel Consultant was exhausting and exhilerating at the same time! I spent many hours behind the desk organising travel for top executives from a multitude of companies, and on a regular basis, I would come home and let hubby know that I was off galavanting AGAIN!

Even though I knew I wanted to have children, it was only after 7 years of marriage, that I finally put my passport away in the bottom drawer and through the pill packet in the bin, in preperation for the next stage of my life!

It did not take too long for me to fall pregnant, the excitement of that first home pregnancy test simply cannot be described. I felt good, no morning sickness or anything like that, so just had a big smile on my face as I thought everything was just working out perfectly.

WRONG – at the 11 week mark, a trip to the loo, brought with it spots of red, and a panic attack! Trying to keep calm, knowing that many women spotted throughout pregancy, an appointment with one of Brisbane’s most respected scanners, delivered the news I DID NOT want to hear. Two little bubbies had no heart beat!

Lot’s of tears, a D & C, and a couple of days out of the office, it was back to work. A stunning bunch of flowers were waiting for me from one of my great clients, just made me want to scream, even though they were a lovely gesture. I was lucky that all my family and friends were very supportive, but I was pissed off, I don’t like it when things don’t go my way!

About 6 months later, I was lucky enough to be pregnant again, exactly the same scenario played out again at the 10 week mark. All the same anger and emotions and a feeling that maybe we were never going to be parents just hounded me, but 1 comment from my OB let a little glimmer of hope still shine……”If you can get this far, you can have a successful pregnancy“.

After 2 failed attempts, I decided to take some drastic action, I resigned from my job and joined an agency that provided temps for the Travel Industry. Every week or two or three, I got to work in a different office and my stress levels were definately reduced.

12 months after the first miscarriage I was pregnant for the 3rd time. At 8 weeks, I went off for a scan and there was a heartbeat! My OB said it was still too early to be sure that all would go well, but he was did say he was prepared to put a bet on that this time it would go right. It was soooooo damn hard not to get to excited, I didn’t want to jinx it, I did not think about starting to buy baby goodies, or even consider names. The 12 week mark passed, with no spotting, still no morning sickness, but as the weeks continued to pass, my belly began to grow, and at 35 weeks, my gorgeous girl was safely delivered!

Three years passed before we decided to try for a second. It took about 6 months this time, and in all the hype and activity of Christmas, I didn’t even notice that I had missed a period. It was only on New Years Eve, when no matter what drink was put in front of me, I could not face any of them. Hang on a minute, home test kit required, and the little blue line shone brightly. Again at 35 weeks, our next little girl was born blue from a rapid release from my belly, but very fortunately revived with no adverse effects.

That was it for us, we were blessed with two girls and were calling an end to baby production. A vasectomy followed a few months later!

Miscarriage is hard, full of pain and anger, lot’s of why me’s, and not shared enough with the people we love. I knew my friend had 3 miscarriages and one successful pregnancy, and it was only many years later that she fessed up that she had 7 in total, but was just so over telling people, they kept it too themselves. That is not right and not how it should be!

Maybe my miscarriages were the boys I was just not ever to have, maybe nature was actually being kind and letting my babies leave me early rather than later or being born with no chance of survival, maybe my body was simply telling me to slow down, lot’s of maybe’s, that I will never know the answers too!

Please don’t be afraid to share your sorrow, talking about it really does help the healing process, and if you don’t feel comfortable turning to family and friends, get professional help, you are worth it!